Ani had tried solutions. She had downloaded a meditation app and completed sixteen sessions before realizing she was using it to avoid meditating. She had joined a book club but stopped going after the third meeting because the other members argued about character motivation with the ferocity of televised pundits, and Ani found herself silently agreeing with everyone. She had even, on a desperate Tuesday evening, typed “how to have fewer problems” into a search engine. The results were useless: Embrace minimalism. Try yoga. Journal for five minutes each morning. She did try journaling. Her first entry read: Today the sink whined. Greg wore salmon. Mom asked about the cat. I am tired of being data. She never wrote another entry. It was too honest.
Third, and most quietly, there was the problem of her mother. Her mother did not have dementia, not officially. What she had was a gentle, drifting absence—a tendency to call Ani by her dead aunt’s name, to leave the stove on overnight, to ask the same question (“Do you still have that little cat?”) four times in twenty minutes. Ani did not have a cat. She had never had a cat. But every time she corrected her mother, she felt like she was erasing something precious. So she had started saying, “Yes, Mom. Mittens is fine.” Mittens was a lie. But the lie was kinder than the truth. And that, Ani thought, was its own kind of problem.
Her problems were not the dramatic kind. There were no creditors pounding on her door, no terminal diagnoses whispered in sterile exam rooms, no lovers caught in tangled betrayals. Ani’s problems were the mundane, grinding sort—the rust that eats away at metal not in a single corrosive burst, but over years of damp, unremarkable neglect.
The real trouble was that Ani’s problems were not separate. They nested inside one another like Russian dolls. The sink reminded her of the leaky faucet in her childhood home, which her father had promised to fix before he left. The job reminded her that she had once wanted to be a poet, or a gardener, or anything that involved creating instead of cleaning. Her mother’s drifting mind reminded her that soon there would be no one left who remembered the sound of her father’s laugh. And the unnamed thing in her chest—the hibernating animal—reminded her that she had spent thirty-seven years becoming a person who was useful, reliable, and almost entirely absent from her own life.
In the morning, Ani got up, made coffee while the sink whined, and opened her laptop. She did not harmonize any data. Instead, she typed a single sentence into a new document: I am not a problem to be solved. Then she stared at the words until they blurred.